It is Wednesday April 16th, 2008 and I am discouraged. I want to be the voice of encouragement, but today I am afraid. I need to be reminded of the greatness of God, of His promise to provide. I am not afraid that He will not keep His promises, but I am afraid that He will ask me to keep my word. I said I would follow Him anywhere He asked me to go, that I would do whatever He called me to do, speak words He gave me to speak, wherever, whenever, however He asked, I would.
We put our house on the market last October when Don left his job. It was an offering of faith. A show of our willingness to give up anything, even our home, to follow God. We thought He would sell it right away and show us where to go next. He didn't.
We started selling everything we own on Ebay and Craigslist (we figured that was God's provision to us, we didn't really need it, and we couldn't take it with us, but it could certainly help to pay the bills right now.) Then, we saw an opportunity to sell items for others on consignment. We thought God was showing us a way to stay here in our home, work together, and minister to other families about how little they really need. We thought God would shower us with financial blessings through this ministry. He didn't.
We registered, paid for and attended conferences and events to showcase and market Vacation Education books. We believe that our books are a ministry to families as we help guide them from traditional schooling into real life learning using the one or two weeks out of the year that are the only chance many families get to be together. We thought God would bless that immensely, making every show a 'sell out show'. He didn't.
We said yes to many requests on our time, particularly at church. Don is organizing a Passover festival. I am on the nursery schedule and expected to direct VBS this year. We are also serving on our church's stewardship board, and supporting and encouraging other family ministries. We thought God would see how hard we are working on things at church, on listing and selling on Ebay, on keeping up with the kids academics and that He would provide financially for all the things we hadn't gotten rid of yet, and make things a little easier on us. He didn't.
Over the winter, we put the car up for sale. We thought God would bring a buyer right away. He didn't.
So, we still have two vehicles. We thought that since God didn't sell the car right away, that maybe He wanted us to keep it for some reason and that He would provide the money to make the car payment. He didn't.
Things have not gone the way we thought they would go. They have gone according to God's master plan, which most certainly is much greater than mine.
But, here I am today, I paid my last $6 so that Tyler could have a book to work through for Cub Scouts. There is 1/8 of a tank of gas in the van. I owe $550+++ to the gas company as I am still trying to catch up on the winter bills. The car payments are due in two days, the house payment is due in two weeks, then the whole process of monthly bills and no income begins again. I have no money to make the payments, and I have no hope of any money coming in to pay them.
I thought God would make it easy to trust Him. He didn't.
We put the cars up for sale again, both of them this time. There aren't many places we need to go, although we won't be able to get to church without a vehicle because we would have to cross a major highway, something I'm not willing to do with five young children. The house of course is still for sale, although we've had no prospects thus far. We've been working on cleaning and clearing out and purging again, but even if we sold everything in the house, I don't know how it would ever be enough to make it, and eventually the stuff will run out too.
So, all we can do is pray.
I said at the beginning that I am afraid God will make me keep my word. When we put the house up for sale, I said that my prayer would be that God either sell the house or show us how to pay for it. I just didn't want to be foreclosed on. But, I also said, I would do anything, go anywhere, anyway, anyhow that God asked me to. His plan, not mine. So, what if His plan is for us to lose the house, not give it up by selling it, not keeping it and keep paying for it, but to lose it? What if His plan is to lose the cars? Not sell them and pay them off, but have them taken back? Will I be able to keep my word? I've never NOT paid a bill in my life. We are struggling to pay the gas bill, but we are paying it, and everything else is paid up as well. But, what if the money doesn't come? What if the loans are called? What if they take the cars and the house and put us on the street? What then? Will I be able to keep my word then? Will I still trust God then? Would you?